i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
