Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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