this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
