"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
