I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
