today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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