So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
