DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
