i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
