I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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