it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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