i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
