I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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