apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
