He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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