my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
