Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
