Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Barsexuality is the new black.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hippo gnu deer
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
whose parrot is this?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
