She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
