I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
