His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
