Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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