Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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