He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
