His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
