i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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