They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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