drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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