guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
