True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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