They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
