i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
