omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
