he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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