piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
