you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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