I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
