I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
