I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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