I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
