That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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