Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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