is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
