I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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