the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
