he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
we made out on top of his cat.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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