she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
