I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
