drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
