you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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