I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
