my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
