At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
