who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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