My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
