I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
