I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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