If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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