what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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